Monday, October 11, 2010
The End?
Jason worked the fair, as usual this year. Unusually, I got the chance to tear down. I can't say how much I miss working set up and tear down. During the week, I like being in a ticket box, not running a ride. I've worked rides, and games, and Given a choice, I'd work a game first, rather than a ride... you make more money. But a ticket box is my nirvana.This week, I ran kids around the midway. We missed setup, as Jason got the dates wrong, which meant we also missed opening day. Opening day we were at the dr's. The next day was Angel and Cloud. I walked the entire midway at least 50 times, no joke. Cloud is 4, but he's not into the 'baby' rides. He loves things like Alpine Bob's, Cliffhanger, and Starship.They did spend a fair amt of time on the Wacky Worm, too. Jason worked on the Vertigo the first 2 days. The second day I had Angel and Tigger. Tigger loves Alpine Bob's. He was too little to slip onto many other rides, though, so he was stuck with baby rides. Next day was Angel and Jackson, Jackson went on Alpine Bob's, and kiddie rides, then he got tired, so I took him home, brought Cloud back out. Next day was Angel and Beau. Beau was big enough to ride almost everything, including the Zipper. To his credit he didn't puke. He did hit his head, though, and wanted off. He'd have rode the entire time except for that. Took him back home and Cloud came out again, on teardown night. Every night, was the same, walking the entire midway at least 50 times... When it came time to shut down on tear down, I left Angel babysitting Cloud behind the Wacky Worm, which Jason worked on the last few days. I went to teardown Bobby's Merry Go Round. I think I did good, it was down in about 3 hours. Woohoo, a whole 22 dollars. I remember when you'd get 60 for tearing down if you were green help. I am not exactly green help, but I am town help. I couldn't find anything else to help on after that, which depressed me. Jason was still working around on stuff with Freddy Fowler. Then we found out he only got paid $200 for the week! Bobby paid him as he paid the other green help, which pissed me off. He should have gotten more, considering he was there at least 10 hours a day every damn day. At the end, we got into a huge, embarrassing, public fight, with him screaming and ranting at me that I only wanted to stay out there all week because I was worried about him messing around on me. That hurt, bad. I was out there because I MISSED it, and because we've always been together, and I've wandered around. I thought he was happy to see us wandering past every so often, seeing the kids loving the ride he was working... He screamed all sorts of things at me that hurt, from the fact that I'm not a parent, and don't take care of my kids, which is most true, him and my mom do, I spend more of my time sick or not doing great... I know he resents that, and hates me for it. It scares me, that if I have the back surgery to help fix my long term pain issues, and have the year long recovery, which usually includes 6 mos in a wheelchair, that he'll hate me more for that. I know he hates that I am this way, I didn't ask to be physically screwed up, it was given to me free of charge.
Here I am at 5am, typing away my pain and anguish, when all I really want is to crawl into bed next to him, and feel his warm body, his arms holding me, so I know I'm loved and cared for...
Here I am at 5am, typing away my pain and anguish, when all I really want is to crawl into bed next to him, and feel his warm body, his arms holding me, so I know I'm loved and cared for...
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Forks in the Road
I guess I'm wondering what, if anything to do, or think. DH is off his rocker again.. it's usually triggered by one of two things. A 'friend', who's an ex, or his old work. This time it's the 'friend'. DH starts getting nasty, and belligerent. This time he scared my mom, and my cousin (and she's pretty hard-boiled). His bluster doesn't bother me much anymore... I'm just so tired of it, and the insults and curses that accompany it. I've spent several days, as it built up, thinking and wondering... I think at times it'd be best for the family to be shod of him, but at the same time, when he's got his knickers on straight, he's wonderful. I DO love him. I feel as if I'm not what he wants, and wasn't from the beginning. He makes me feel like everyone would be better off if I didn't even exist. But other times, ok, when he's on his rocker right, he fills the world, and makes things right to me... ARGHHHHHHH. Frustration. I think I need a giant bottle of Xanax, and one of Valium... that might help a little. Either that, or I'd end the problem of my existence, lol!
Well, back I go to cleaning. I'm tired as hell, been up all night, but DD has bday today, so does cousin's son. Having a two-fer party today. I know myself, and I just DON'T wake up, so I just stayed up. Right now, esp. after all the drama, and since I STILL don't know where DH is, I'm weary thru the bone and out the other side. I didn't mention that... after his big blow-up last night, he did one of his walking off disappearing acts. I know he's been cruising the ads on CL, but hell, I go thru them to read the weird shit. Somehow I doubt that's all he's doing. Anyway, I have looked for him thrice now, the last time with DS4, cause he woke up at 5a looking for my DH. Poor fella helped me organized about a hundred cans of vegetables and such!
Gotta get up and moving, or I'll be asleep sitting here! Wouldn't be the first time I've drooled all over my keyboard.
Well, back I go to cleaning. I'm tired as hell, been up all night, but DD has bday today, so does cousin's son. Having a two-fer party today. I know myself, and I just DON'T wake up, so I just stayed up. Right now, esp. after all the drama, and since I STILL don't know where DH is, I'm weary thru the bone and out the other side. I didn't mention that... after his big blow-up last night, he did one of his walking off disappearing acts. I know he's been cruising the ads on CL, but hell, I go thru them to read the weird shit. Somehow I doubt that's all he's doing. Anyway, I have looked for him thrice now, the last time with DS4, cause he woke up at 5a looking for my DH. Poor fella helped me organized about a hundred cans of vegetables and such!
Gotta get up and moving, or I'll be asleep sitting here! Wouldn't be the first time I've drooled all over my keyboard.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
I Corinthians 13:4-9
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Emotional Maelstrom
Ok, so my husband dumped me. I could say he left me and the kids, but that's not quite the way it went. I actually came down and have been staying at my mom's for about a month. I came down, contrary to his thought, because I felt it was best for the kids. Now they are all getting their therapies (speech, OT, PT, ABA), Angel's doing awesome in homeschool!! She actually completed an entire quarter of spelling in less than 2 weeks, and is doing the same thing roughly in a couple other subjects! She did her first quarter of science even faster, it was finished in 1 week! But anyway, with no income except the child support/ssi on the kids, it was impossible for them to make it back and forth to PC for therapy, doctors, etc. They just aren't available where we lived. Plus, living with the house falling down, no stove, a wood heater ruined by being left in the rain all year.... it added up pretty heavy on me. At least pick up your own trash and throw it away... hanging out a load of laundry I washed would have made me happier than a lark... having to rewash the same load 7 times because it wouldn't get hung out, and after 2 days soured... and the nastiness when trying nicely to ask multiple times to get it done... yeah, I came down here. I hoped it would make him figure out that he really needed to change some things... not even for me, for the kids' sake. Instead, he's been angry, nasty, and hurtful for the most part. I understand it hurt him that I wouldn't just 'come home', and I am sorry for this... but I have to do what I feel is better for the kids. I love him, more than I can say, and it is unconditional. I loved the few days at the beginning of the month when things were looking up, and we spent time together. I miss his warm, secure body in bed, to use as a giant pillow... I miss the closeness of talking to someone who knows me thru and thru... and someone who's been with me thru the worst part of my life when Tigger was born... and I am afraid of losing him permanently... I still have to put the kids first. It hurts, and I ask God why? Why is this happening, why are things this way? What is the purpose in this? What have I done wrong, what can I do, what should I have done? I cry, alone in the church, alone in the car, alone at night... but not where the kids will ever see. They are insecure as it is, and I don't want to foster that along. I would give anything to have him talking to me, joking with me, listening to me... I miss him.
I know this post is personal, and not religious or freedom related. Sorry for that, but this is a blog for everything I see, think, feel, hear, or do. I feel this is important to post, if for no other reason than to expiate some of my overwhelming feelings and fears.
Forever Truth
I know this post is personal, and not religious or freedom related. Sorry for that, but this is a blog for everything I see, think, feel, hear, or do. I feel this is important to post, if for no other reason than to expiate some of my overwhelming feelings and fears.
Forever Truth
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Belmont Abbey denies insurance coverage for abortion
PLEASE, go send the ecard saying "I'm Proud of You" to Belmont Abbey College. They are a rather small college, which refuses to pay for insurance coverage of such atrocities as abortion.
Also, consider joining, and looking at the rest of America Needs Fatima site!
America Needs Fatima - Current Campaigns Introductions
Also, consider joining, and looking at the rest of America Needs Fatima site!
America Needs Fatima - Current Campaigns Introductions
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